主题：【文摘】 千万别只为爱而结婚 -- 蜜饯

5 Golden Rules for Marriage

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A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for reviewing

the prospects of long-term marital success. When it comes to making

the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a

mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent (in USA),

it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to

finding Mr./Ms. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why

they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe is

the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner

should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically

correct, there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for

getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When

the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it

again: You CANNOT build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You

need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if

you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

======================== QUESTION #1: ========================

COMMON LIFE PURPOSE

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Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me

put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long

time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all

that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something

deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose. Two things

can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart.

50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a

marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life - bottom

line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.

======================== QUESTION #2: ========================

EXPRESS FEELING FREELY

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Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.

Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The

basis of having good communication is trust- i.e. trust that I won't

get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you

feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with

yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the

person you plan to marry.

======================== QUESTION #3: ========================

PERSONAL GROWTH vs. COMFORT

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Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and

sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they

work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about

improving themselves? A teacher of mine defines a good person as

"someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing."

So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time?

Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not

someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are

essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated

to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal

comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before

walking down the aisle.

======================== QUESTION #4: ========================

CAPABILITY OF GIVING

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How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing

that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving,

we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this

someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in

themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think about the

following:

How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such

as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents

and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't

have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you

cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you-who can't do nearly

as much for them! Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone

who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that

someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as

well.

======================== QUESTION #5: ========================

CHANGE THE PERSON

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Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're

married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with

the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married. As

a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to

change after marriage... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept

this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous.

The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with

your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating,

to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on

your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you

didn't do your homework.