主题：不靠谱医患问答（翻译） -- 游识猷

【严正声明： 本文非科普

而且不靠谱

博君一笑尔

文责恕不负】

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

提问：医生，俺听说锻炼心血管能让人活更长哩，真的么？

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

回答：你那颗心总共就能跳那么几次，就那么几次！别把心跳数浪费在锻炼上啦。什么东西都会用坏的。让你的心脏跳更快可不会让你活更久，这理论荒谬得就像说你把车开得快一点就能把它开久一点。想活长一点吗？打瞌睡去吧。

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

提问：俺该不该少吃点肉，多吃点蔬菜水果哩？

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

回答：咱能在营养输送上有效率点么？牛吃啥？干草和玉米呗。那些玩意儿不就是蔬菜呗。所以吃牛排其实就是一种更有效率的吃蔬菜方式。同理，需要谷物吗？那就吃只鸡呗。哦对，牛肉同时也是一种极好的牧草（绿色叶菜！）摄取来源。而一客猪排简直满足了你一天所需的所有蔬菜。

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

提问：俺该少喝点酒么？

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

回答”不不不，绝不要。酒是啥做的？水果啊！白兰地是蒸馏酒，这就意味着制造者把水从果粒里分离出去，然后你得到了更多的精华！至于啤酒则是用谷物做的。干杯！

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

提问：咋计算俺的体脂比呢？

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

回答：呃，如果你有个身体，而且你有脂肪，那就是1比1 。如果你有两个身体，而且你有脂肪，那就是2比1咯。依此类推。

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

提问：定时锻炼有啥子好处哩？

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

回答：让俺想想……抱歉，一个也想不出。俺的人生哲学是：没吃苦中苦……太棒了！

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

提问：油炸的食物是不是有害啊？

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil... In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

回答：你都没听进去！！！油炸食物是用植物油炸的，事实上，它们浸满了植物油。跟“植物”有关的 玩意儿咋可能危害健康呢？

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

提问：仰卧起坐能让俺拥有柔软苗条的小蛮腰么？

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

回答：绝对不可能！当你锻炼一条肌肉后，他就长得更大了。除非你想要一个更大的肚腩，才去做仰卧起坐吧。

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

提问：吃巧克力是不是不好啊？

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

回答：你疯了吗？跟巧克力豆打个招呼！又一种植物！那可是最令你感觉良好的食物了！

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

提问：游泳是否能帮助塑造体型呢？

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

回答：如果游泳对体型有帮助的话，跟俺解释一下鲸的身材如何？

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

提问：让身材有“型”是不是对俺的生活非常重要啊？

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

回答:嗨！‘圆型’也是一种型啊！

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

好啦，我希望这些已经帮你澄清了许多你曾有过的对饮食的误解。

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

如果还有人想要严格控制饮食的，俺有最后几句关于营养啊健康啊的忠告。读完这些营养学上自相矛盾的研究成果以后，你会觉得如释重负的。

1. The Japanese eat very little fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

日本人吃粉少油脂，

且比美国人少患心脏病。

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

墨西哥人吃粉多油脂，

且比美国人少患心脏病。

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

中国人粉少喝红酒，

且比美国人少患心脏病。

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine

and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

意大利人喝粉多红酒，

且比美国人少患心脏病。

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

德国人喝一大堆啤酒又吃一大堆香肠和油脂，

且比美国人少患心脏病。

CONCLUSION

结论如下

Eat and drink what you like.

该吃嘛吃嘛，该喝嘛喝嘛，

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

因为很显然，说英文才是致命因素！